Life Lessons: Don't be an Orbitor Part II

Click here for Part 1.

So, let's break The Orbitor® down, shall we?

Problem: The Orbitor® is one guy that no straight male wants to be. The problem is simple: he fails to realize that by listening to her complain about her life, or some other dude rather than himself, he is enabling her to completely “friend zone” him, and he’s digging his own grave by listening to her.

That doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be friend – be her friend obviously, but make it clear that you’re interested in her from the start; actually being her close friend is not an option.

You can’t be a close friend and be interested in her at the same time, it just doesn’t work that way. She needs to be complaining about you to her girls, not complaining to YOU about some other dude. Man up. 

A question the Orbitor must ask himself at some point.

Solution(s): Fortunately, there are a number of ways to NOT be an Orbitor®. Here are some suggestions:

a)   Grow some cojones. These are a must. By restoring this God-given gift to man, you will learn that it is okay to stand up for yourself and man up. You will also realize that you no longer have to pretend being interested in her pointless rambles about other douchebags who presumably had the cojones that you are missing by trying to get with her.

After the restoration of your cojones, you will begin to notice that she’s probably a lot more annoying than you remembered her being pre-cojones. Pre-cojones = similar to beer goggles. Cojones = sober man-valuation (evaluation) of your target. 

b)   After supplementing or regaining said cojones, tell her that you’re interested (NOT how you “feel”....deep feelings should not exist pre-relationship). Better yet, just kiss the girl. Actions speak louder than words with women.

(Again, that sound you just heard was 10 women applauding in approval to that sentence)

c)   If she tries to friend zone you when doing the above, or begins any sentence with “Listen, you’re a really sweet guy, but....”, WALK OUT IMMEDIATELY. You don’t even have to let her finish. She is giving you the dreaded friend-zone speech no guy wants/needs to listen to. Just leave.

You have no chance, so that’s your hint that it’s time to move on to the next one.

d)  The easiest and simplest solution: find other girls while simultaneously talking to her less. Talk to other girls, and for the love of God, don’t Orbit these girls like you did the last one. If you’re a habitual Orbitor®, you have deeper problems – get help immediately. One female Orbit is okay; more than one is unhealthy.

e)  If you have applied option D properly and she is somewhat attracted to you, you will notice that she will start feeling neglected of your attention and will now give you the ever elusive "chance” with her, as if she dictates when and who you will be interested in. Say NO.

    She is giving you a test to see whether you now have actual grown real cojones, or merely artificial ones. Psychologically, she only wants you because she knows other girl(s) want you now. This is your big (yet simple) “fuck you” moment, so use it wisely. A simple “I’m sorry, but I only see you as a friend” will do. At this point, she’s orbiting® you. If you get to this point, feel free to pat yourself on the back.

Most guys learn about interacting with and dealing with females the hard way. Some dudes get it, and some guys have to work at it. I’m a bit of both. I’ve been in the Orbitor scenario before, and when I realized my predicament, I had a big “on to the next one” moment and moved on quickly. Realizing that you are trapped in an Orbit is the hard part.

Consult your bros, for they will tell you that you're an idiot very bluntly....either that or they'll say the girl is ugly and you will feel better.

If you’re currently an Orbitor, you will soon realize that there are too many girls out there, and to focus all your time and energy into one who’s never going to invest the same amount on you is a waste of life.

Move on.

Here’s to The Orbitor® – every (attractive) girl has them, and every guy who is unaware of their own lack of game falls into the trap of being one.

Don’t be that guy.

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By: Gaurav P.

Life Lessons: Don’t be an Orbitor Part 1

This series (“Life Lessons”) will be a compilation of real lessons of life that I’ve learned during my 21 years. I’ve either experienced these Life Lessons myself, saw many friends go through them, or was passed on the wisdom by someone else. In this case, all three of the aforementioned apply. 

If you’re a guy and suddenly realize that this applies to you, smack yourself in the head and don’t be that dude anymore. 

A scientific breakdown of The Orbitor.

I’d like you to introduce you all to the concept of The Orbitor®. 

I know this post is a bit long (I'm assuming you've scrolled down and groaned at the length already), but I promise you'll find it interesting at the least, or perhaps you'll be able to relate to the concept itself.

This is an actual theory/category of mine that I’ve shared with a bunch of my friends, and most of them agree that this is indeed accurate. Yes, including females.

To any women who disagree with this, or think that I’m being a dick: you’re just mad that I’m honest and calling you out on your tricks ;)

Gaurav's dictionary defines The Orbitor® as follows:

Any single male who is looking and is thoroughly interested in a girl but is a) “friend zoned” by her, b) is scared to lose her as a friend, c) has already been rejected by her once (or twice, or three times...), or d) refuses to make any moves because he has no balls.

However, he will constantly hover around her in her life (i.e. – Orbit), be there for her to lean on, not make it overtly clear that he likes her, or generally pull some soft “sweet guy” shit daily in hopes that sooner or later she will come around and give him a chance. However, he waits more than he acts. Little does he know that once she knows he is a fix in her Orbit, he has no chance.

Example:  “Man, Henry is always orbiting Sarah eh?”

“I know right! He’s been orbiting her for about 4 years and still hasn’t gotten any.”

A classic sign that you're probably an Orbitor.

 

Fact of life: Attractive girls will usually have around 2-5 of these losers hovering around them at any given time. Let the other lames do it, and don’t be that guy.

Anyway, that is the basic definition. Most guys have been in this position at least once in their lives (which is likely when they learned that there are much easier ways to get women). It ultimately results in the girl letting The Orbitor® know that she is happy he is “there for her”, but she can’t look at him “that way” (translation: “grow some balls first, or get more attractive”) for whatever reason.

On the other hand, some guys naturally know how to avoid such pathetic scenarios. Hang out with these guys more.

In general, this unfortunate situation tends to happen a lot to larger guys without mean streaks who want to get some, but don’t really have the qualities in them (physically or otherwise) that the girl is interested in.

It also happens to guys who want to be nice all the time, and are afraid of standing up for what they believe in, or guys who just don’t have game in general.

Any time a girl tells you you’re her “best friend”, but you really just want to hook up with her, you have failed in getting your mack on. Shame on you.

(That sound you just heard was about 10 girls reading this nodding in approval.)

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Click here for Part II

Exam Time Stress and a Sneak-peek

The one place a straight male does not want to be in with a girl he is attracted to.

So, I currently have 3 exams coming up in the next 3 days, so I am a bit swamped for time, hence the lack of new posts.

I definitely have some new ideas that I want to write about on my next post (which should be coming on the 17th), so look out for that.

To preview, I will be introducing my original concept of The Orbiter (copyrighted!) and what being Friend Zoned means to dudes. I hope you guys are anticipating the post, because I certainly can't wait to write it.

Peace!

Random Thoughts and Procrastination

I’m currently reading Tucker Max’s “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” during my study ‘breaks’ and I’m pretty hooked on the content. For those that don’t know, this book is about an obnoxious Duke Law school student and his hilarious real-life tales of drunkenness. To any guy that is bored and reading my post, I assure you that you will get a kick out of his stories. Obviously, not all the tales are funny, but they’re still interesting in their own ways.

If you haven’t read the book already (it’s old), you can find it on Pirate Bay or you can just read some stories on Tuckermax.com. Girls might like the content as well, but that’s probably not likely since he’s blunt and misogynistic about the women that he deals with in the stories. 

I tried to share these stories (which I thought were hilarious) with my girlfriend and her friends, but it didn’t translate very well to “girl-speak” and they just found it repulsive. My girl (henceforth known as Ivz, Ivzo, or Douchebaguette) constantly tells me that I need to stop telling her friends stories that only guys would find hilarious, and I think she’s right, but it’s just too tempting to stop.

Every time they try watching something of sentimental value or one of their chick-shows (i.e. – 90210) with me around, I try to ruin it by throwing in some gratuitous vulgarity. By “some”, I mean “a constant stream of”. 

Yeah, I'm supposed to be believe that this douchebag is 17.

 They know I’m just messing around though, but any guys out there stuck watching girly shows should be doing this – it’s just fun to do, and if you’re forced to sit through hell, then you might as well make the best of it. This is of course assuming that you hate girl-shows, and would rather shoot yourself than watch 28 year old actors play 17 year old high school students.

I tried to sit through one episode of each of these types of shows, I really did, but its always the same damn plots.

Its either about someone cheating on their boyfriend, someone having sex with a teacher, someone being a closet homosexual, someone hiding a secret, someone revealing a secret, or someone killing someone else either purposely or by accident.

Every. Single. Show.

I would know because I've sat through exactly one (or more) episodes of Glee, 90210, and Gossip Girl, and had the same reaction to each of them. I guess the only saving grace was that I could make fun of an entirely new group of 28 year olds playing high school students each time. I must say that Blair (yes, I know her by name, kill me now) from Gossip Girl  is pretty attractive so I wouldn't mind watching her scenes.


It's safe to say that I'd rather sit through watching a two hour NASCAR event on TV than watch these shows. I'd rather cheer for Lebron James to be an NBA champion than watch these shows. Actually, no, that's taking it too far. I take it back; I would never want LeSidekick to win a ring.

I'd rather keep it this way, never mind.

Anyway, my point is that girls definitely have a different sense of humour than us guys do - I’ve learned that it’s just a fact of life. For example, while I find the concept of a guy taking a dump on some girl’s toilet tank as revenge for something she did to his friend as hilarious (a story from Tucker Max); they do not.

We are not the same. 

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Next post preview: Study breaks during exam time, how we inadvertently waste more time than we actually study, and the best music to study to. 

A quote that's on my mind:

There are two kinds of people in this life:
Those who walk into a room and say,
“Well, here I am!”
And those who walk in and say,
“Ahh, there you are.”

I let the words from the quote above sink in deep every time I get a chance to reflect on the type of person I want to grow to be with each passing day.

Funny Exam Stories: Part 2

Note: If you haven’t read part 1, read it here

With my insides feeling queasy, and with only one eye awake, I looked at the time.

9:20 am.

My exam started at 9.

I was fucked.

I rushed out of bed with my eyes burning and put on the pair of pants/sweats closest to me, donned a hoodie or some other hobo-looking piece of clothing, and looked in the mirror. Staring back was a guy with muddled hair sticking out all over his head, and two visibly red eyes with dark circles under them. Without brushing my teeth (I didn’t have time, I swear!), I rushed to the exam room, which was a good 20 minute walk from where I lived. Since there was a chance that they wouldn’t even let me write my exam (which meant an automatic fail), I ran for dear life.

If you’ve ever run on an empty stomach, you know that it can’t be very good for you, especially if you haven’t slept the night before. My body was clearly in disarray, and running to the gymnasium that morning, I still remember barely being able to catch my breath and tasting blood in my mouth. As I knew from playing basketball years earlier, running on an empty stomach makes me feel like I’m about to cough up blood. However, I had brought this upon myself, so I had to keep on going.

After 10 minutes of running, I finally make it into the gymnasium. Of course, by this time the doors were closed and there was a man standing outside to not let any more students in.

I went up to him, and in my frantic, breathless state, somehow managed to explain to him my predicament. I didn’t even have to exaggerate; I just told him what really happened.

He looked at me up and down - he saw the bloodshot eyes, the frantic hair, the lack of coordination in speech, and the hobo looking clothes I had on, and just stared at me in disbelief. I bet he was thinking, “He couldn’t make shit like this up, right?” 

I remember him telling me that students weren’t usually permitted to write the exam after a certain time (it was about 9:30 or 9:40 AM by now), but that he would lead me to the head proctor to let her make the decision.

So there I was, 40 minutes after when my exam was supposed to start, being led to the head proctor. As I passed rows and rows of students, all of whom were stressed like me, but writing their exams at the times that they were supposed to, I received my first official “what the fuck are you doing with your life?” moment of my undergrad. This was pathetic; it was a predicament that someone with even basic organizational skills would never let themselves get into. However, that shift in mentality is a post for another day.

Anyway, the original male proctor whispered something the ear of the head proctor, and she asked me to explain my situation. Again, in my frantic, breathless state, I somehow managed to explain my predicament to her. I didn’t even have to exaggerate.

As I was telling my story, she just looked at me up and down - she saw the bloodshot eyes, the hair in hysteria, the lack of coordination in speech, and the hobo looking clothes I had on, and was probably thinking, “He couldn’t make shit like this up, right?”

For some reason, this old lady had sympathy for me and told me that I would be allowed to rewrite my French exam later on that afternoon at 4:30 pm.

I couldn’t believe my luck. I know it’s unfair (truthfully), but if you actually saw the state I was in at that time physically, I don’t think you’d hesitate giving me an extension. Plus, it was an honest mistake by a 19 year old who was clearly in over his head.

I went home, sighed in relief, ate, and went to sleep.

This time (with the help of about 5 alarms), I woke up at 1, studied till 4:00, and wrote my exam on time like a normal person would. Though I didn’t ace the exam, I did do pretty well on it; enough to pass that stupid course, anyway.

So, what was the life lesson? NEVER pull an all-nighter before a final exam (or any time, really).

Seems like common sense, right? But somehow I was arrogant enough to believe I could pull it off since I’d previously done it during my first year. I guess you live and learn.

To those wondering, yes I do still pull all-nighters, but only as a last resort – my time management is generally good enough now that I can get things done ahead of time without additional stress, though I do need all-nighters at times with a fourth year workload.

Also, no, I haven’t missed another exam since, and no, I never tried pulling an all-nighter before a morning exam again.

Now with that, here’s to hoping your exams go a little more smoothly than mine did for that course.

Happy exam time!

- G.P

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Funny Exam Stories: Part 1

Since it is exam (not Christmas) season for most university/college students, I thought I’d share a funny exam story that I experienced back in my second year of university, around the end of 2008. It’s interesting looking back at it, but it was obviously not very humorous at the time.

I was in my second year, and as per program requirements, I had to take a compulsory language course. I chose to take French, believing that I could do well in it without decreasing my GPA too much (language courses are hard unless you have a genuine interest in the language).

I was very wrong.

Not to make excuses, but it was my second year, and since it was an online course, I found myself caring less and less as the semester went on. To date, that semester was my worst in all of undergrad, and ultimately served as my “what the fuck are you doing?!” moment. Any university student who reads this has had that same exact moment at least once in their undergrad years.

Anyway, I need to mention three things before I continue the story. First, the exam was held at 9 AM in a packed gymnasium. Second, I am NOT a morning person and need to sleep at least 10 hours if I haven’t slept properly. And lastly, I had a 57 coming into the exam (tsk tsk, I know), and the professor had designated that students MUST pass the final exam to pass the course.

I remember having a very hectic exam schedule that year, so naturally, I didn’t get to start studying for the exam until there were about 2 days left. I will say that my time-management skills were horrendous till I got to about third year, so that may have factored into this situation as well. Either way, I blame myself for it.

For some reason, there I was at the library starting at 6 pm, planning to pull an all-nighter and yes, cram for the exam. And I did. I literally studied from 6 pm – 6 am (12 hours!) at our school library, DC.

On a side note: yes, there were plenty of other people who also pulled that all-nighter at DC with me, though I’m quite sure they were all in engineering.

Nevertheless, after pulling 12 hours of studying with no sleep, and stubbornly refusing to consume caffeine, I was absolutely exhausted by 6 am. I think I stopped retaining information after 3 am, so I’m not sure what I did or what I learned for those 3 hours before leaving the library. I decided that the best thing to do at this time (around 6:10 am) was to go home, eat, and study till my exam started.

I somehow found my way home and stumbled into my room.

Now, if you’ve ever pulled an all-nighter knowing you had a test/exam in the morning, you should know that sleeping/”napping” is absolutely forbidden under these circumstances.

And if you didn’t know that, then you will know why in a second.

I entered my room, put everything down, and saw my comfy, comfy bed. In retrospect, this is how I know now that I was delusional from studying - my bed was simply two mattresses stacked on the floor and was not exactly luxurious. I decided that at 7 AM on the morning after an all-nighter, the best option for me was to take a “15 minute nap”.

My exam was 2 hours away.

I set about 3 alarm clocks, and plopped on to my (not so) comfy bed, and just passed out.

An accurate depiction of how I looked when I decided to nap at 7 AM.

All of a sudden, I woke up, and it wasn't even because of the 3 alarm clocks. I felt light headed and my eyes were burning – the obvious result of not sleeping all night, not consuming caffeine, not eating properly, and deciding to nap. 

With my insides feeling queasy, and with only one eye awake, I looked at the time.

9:20 am.

My exam started at 9.

I was fucked.

- Gaurav P.

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Note: For those of you interested in finishing the story, here is part 2.

Are athletes role models?

Kobe's mugshot, 2003

“I am not a role model” – Charles Barkley

Sir Charles uttered that simple statement in a famous 1993 Nike commercial (watch it here) and managed to generate controversy with seemingly every North American parent over the age of 35. Basically, it forced Americans (and I guess Canadians too) to look at themselves and ask whether or not athletes should take the responsibility of being role models to their kids.

My perception is that if people outraged by the commercial really believed in their hearts that multimillionaires paid to play a sport (a ball through a damn hoop!) are supposed to be raising what is in actuality their responsibilities, then they are simply lazy parents, or the kids themselves are not in the right frame of mind.

Everyone who is reading this likely knows that I am a die-hard fan of Kobe Bryant. I can recite his statistics from his 2003 season without looking it up. I can tell you I watched the game where he dropped 33 points in the second half to lead a 20 point comeback win against the Orlando Magic in 1998/1999. I can tell you I still have a VHS recording of him getting booed when he received his first All-Star MVP award in 2002. I bleed Kobe Bryant as a sports fan. But he’s not my role model, nor is he ever going to be. You want to know my role model(s)? 

My family. My parents. My dad.

Without getting into it too much, I’ll just say that the difference between an athlete and someone in your immediate life is straight forward. One can give you life lessons, pass on wisdom, and teach you the little intricacies of getting through life; the other can score baskets, film cheesy “NBA Cares” commercials, and show up on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

Athletes are not role models.

What they are, however, are prime examples of the talent blended in with the perfect mindset for success. And this is why I look up to Kobe Bryant.

If you look at all the most successful athletes in their respective fields (currently, guys like Kobe Bryant, Sidney Crosby, and Tom Brady come to mind), you will see a common thread in all of their lives. They were all talented to begin with, sure, but to mold that talent and rise out of (literally) the millions of people trying to get where they currently are is something to admire. I don’t admire them as people - how can I when I don’t know them personally? But what I do admire is their mental fortitude; their work ethic; their determination.

This is why Kobe Bryant is my favourite player. I look up to him as someone possessing the ideal mental characteristics needed to reach the top, no matter what field you are in. This is, of course, a post in itself for the future (note to self: write a future post about why he's your favourite player).

However, my basic premise is that if you approach whatever it is that you want to do with the same fire, intensity, dedication, and work ethic that he approaches the game of basketball, then you will be successful. I truly believe that, and I try to apply that mentality every moment that I can in my life. Of course, not everyone can have that level of mental dedication or single-mindedness to succeed, but it is definitely something to try and emulate.

Ultimately, this is what the transcendent athletes should be revered for – their dedication, their will, their ability to rise under pressure, their work ethic, and their passion for the sport.

Looking up to them for any other reason means you’re simply setting yourself up for a role model who disappoints you.

- G.P

The Concept of Education

Note: This post is supposed to be neither preachy nor pretentious. These are just my thoughts on the subject, so take it however you want it.

As far as I can remember, I was destined for university. I don’t mean that in the sense that I lived my childhood years knowing I was going to get into university; rather, I understood that it was absolutely necessary for me to use it as a stepping stone to get to where I should want to be.

“If you want to get ahead, LEARN.” 

This was the message that was pushed in my head from an early age. I guess everyone has their own calling in life, and ever since I was little, I always understood mine to be about valuing the concept of education, rather than repressing it. Education in itself means different things to different people – some see it (in its institutionalized form) as a burden on creativity, and a path towards the 9-5 routine - a dip into that “average” lifestyle that everyone wants to avoid. To me, I saw education as a form of liberation, something that would separate me from the average individual. I don’t mean this in the sense of earning potential - you can be stupid but still earn millions (see celebrities like Paris Hilton, Lebron James, etc). What I’m trying to state is that education liberates your mind by expanding your mind more than the next person, and that’s its function in the struggle that is life.

Since when is having more knowledge (about anything) than the person next to you a bad thing? As long as you’re not pretentious and/or obnoxious about it, education is a beautiful talent.

I strictly view life as a competition. Firstly, you’re racing against time, but you’re also racing against everyone else in the same field as you to get ahead. By field, I'm referring to people in the same age bracket as you, or perhaps even the same job-field as you. Basically, those people you creep on Facebook every once in a while to see what they've been doing since the last time you saw them 5 years ago.

Therefore, the best ways to defeat your competition - regardless of what field it is – is through education. Think about it. Even if you’re a musician or an athlete - the ones who reach the top and stay at the top are the ones who educate themselves. Let me give you a prime example of this. Guys like Will Smith and Kobe Bryant are both clearly successful individuals in their respected fields. The reason why both of them are at the top of the list in their profession is, by their own accounts, through learning from the greats of the past, and seeking out  knowledge about what has worked for the people before them and by figuring out new ways to improve themselves, year after year. And that’s what I’m trying to conceptualize in your heads: education as a necessity for success beyond monetary means.

I know people in my life who never took education seriously, ones who always saw it as a burden. Even worse, they never made the effort to learn on their own. Never wanted to educate themselves on the world, on themselves. How much can you really know about yourself when you’re not willing to push your mind and see its capabilities?

My point is: education doesn’t mean having to hit the books in an institutionalized setting. People think that just because they go to University, it makes them smart.

No.

I know plenty of people who are in University but still perceive life through the eyes of a teenager. To me, education means constantly improving and finding new and more ingenious ways to reinvent yourself as a person. If you think the same way, or are completely rigid in your views about a concept about (i.e. – say, religion) today as you were 5 years ago, you haven’t learned shit.

- G.P

Allow me to re-introduce myself...

If you're reading this blog, its likely that you're creeping my profile picture on Facebook (females: feel free to creep as long as your hearts desire), or you somehow stumbled on to this page because it was obviously fate.

The aim of my blog is simple: I want to write about the observations that I make about the world both culturally and socially, and share some life lessons that I've learned along the way. I may even rant about a particular subject or add in some posts regarding sports as well, if necessary. Basically, this blog is an insight into my mind, and how I perceive the world around me.

Plus, I love writing, and firmly believe in my ability to open up the minds of others, so it can't be all that bad ;)

Here's to hoping this won't be the last post you read.

- G.P